I am a living battery

 I move so much that I had to eat twice last night.

Goodbye to sleep at midnight and the seven hours of rest. My papers on Woolf are taking shape. If I go on this way, they should be finished by Wednesday, which seems sensible. I would like all that to be over!

By the by, I take care of myself. I have been to the swimming pool today and swam for one hour. I will og again. I was so happy, floating on the water; outside of myself.

Life?

I am better. I know now that I am going to live, and I will build an Empire, as I shall never be able to get back the teenage-hood I never had.

The autobus accident

Hier soir nous sommes allés « manger » chez Jean et Michel. Mais je n'ai pas aimé cette soirée. J'aurais dû rester à la maison. Tous les gens étaient tellement étroits d'esprit. Si tous les gens riches sont ainsi ta vie doit être horrible.
***
Ce matin par contre j'ai rêvé que j'étais dans un bus et qu'on allait avoir un accident. Ce rêvé s'est arrêté au moment où le bus se renversait et allait tomber dans un ravin. C'était très oppressant (pas étonnant, d'ailleurs, j'avais 39 en me réveillant).
Et puis, miracle!, j'ai mangé à midi, pour la première fois en trois jours et je ne me suis pas sentie mal après.

X-mas survival

I'm so happy I finally managed to survive Xmas! It wasn't so bad after all! I got the presents I had asked for, and everybody was nice with me. But I really need to go and see my shrink for this food problem. Because I can't get off my bed in the morning, I have belly aches and I will have to cut my hair because it's so thin! And my eyes ache also.
It has been such a long time, hein? I should make myself write. Especially in English. It will help me speak fluently, if I dare say. I need it for my book. I now have the main ideas. I shall find a good story, a reason to explain why the characters are shown here and now. I change the subject. A few weeks ago I was so afraid; I thought I had caught meningitis. Now I am somehow happy to live. I try to enjoy life. But I would like to live more things.

The transparency of my skin

Today is not a good day. Lack of sleep - unable to move. I am tired and I would like a little quiet, instead of having my father always home.
An instant ago, I thought that I would end it all. And that is what I will do.
I will try to resist chocolate for 24 hours.

Sam Neil, aka Damien, said in The Curse III that the torment Satan suffered when he was turned out of Heaven was greater than the pain of Jesus on the cross. That's true. But Jesus suffered for others ... it's masochism, an illusion at best.

I thrive for knowledge. There is too much to digest before dying. Hope comes strolling by and goes again. The end will inevitably come, just, not yet. The most difficult thing is to survive up to then. I thought about what life was, tonight. I’ve had this idea for years that it’s a little like a video game. We only play when the console is on. Maybe that's life in a nutshell. And the dreams are the shadows of another spiritual life. Maybe we shall meet in dream? ..
Every time I dreamed of you, we met in a dream because you were thinking about me, I believe. This is why dreams of you come less often. I do not think about you less - it’s the contrary.

This afternoon, with the despair came back this feeling of vanity that is blocking me every time I think that no one exists but me. Selfish? No. If we consider that I could never feel the emotions and the feelings of others as strongly as I do mine, I can say: only I exist.
Each thing that I feel is part of the game Nothing is truly related to me - I bond closely only when I’m following the movement of the game. Life may be nothing more than an intellectual trial, and I make a point of living it this way. If it allows me to live, then so shall we ...
On the screen, Damien is sodomising his partner. Sure, it's obvious, I should have seen it coming.
Everything is pain, then. But it is better than reproduction. You can negate the act by forgetting about it, but you cannot negate the fruit to which you’ve given birth, and who is endowed with its own conscience. Even if it should come to die, the idea of its consciousness shall eat you alive.

I like my hair in any case. Maybe I am going to die them black to enhance my white complexion. I’m beginning to have transparent skin on the face and my veins stand out.